Revisiting My Past

Honestly I don't really like reminiscing my past because I don't feel like I had a very childhood friendly memory of what growing up should be like. Sure I had a good family that did their best to raise my sister and I, but overall my choice in friends were not the best. I became the black sheep of the family. Most would call it the rebellious one. However, I think I just became troubled because I was pressured and I was that individual that always wanted to fit in. Yea, I admit it. I was that troubled, confused girl that felt the need to put herself in situations that she could not handle herself. I was naive, young, and insecure.

Apart from all the negative memories there were times I could remember enjoying. I remember I had a free period in middle school which I was supposed to help the teacher be a T.A. Instead of staying in that teacher's class I snuck off with another classmate to another instructors class where we went online, listened to good music, and basically hung out. Of course there were times when he asked us to help him paint banners for the school or do a project for certain classes, but we really didn't mind because he happened to be our favorite teacher at the time. He was the cool guy who loved music, showcased his guitars and well as strict as he was he also knew how to control his class by communicating with them properly. It's funny to think that my teachers at regime were in their late 20s and early 30s. He was one of the teachers that I would not forget because he shaped my chain of thought to find the subjects I excel in an what I would mostly be interested in as an adult.

Now that I'm a young mother I ask myself the same questions I asked myself back then when I wished I was a year older. How will I be as an adult? Where would I be in 10 years? Instead I'm asking myself these questions but with Ryu in the mix. Where will he be in the next ten years? Is he going to be a good or trouble child? Have I done my best thus far as a parent to provide him with the skills he needs to move on to the next level? All I know is that I do hope that Ryu ends up having great teachers that will influence him in finding him calling for what lays ahead of him. I hope that he becomes the student that I never was growing up. I can only hope that he finds himself by being guided through the right path. Any parent only wants what's best for their child. It's only right for them to want everything good for them and their future. At times I ask myself why did I ever put my mom through such a hard time growing up? I don't even have a good answer for that except for I was a real punk growing up. I do regret ever putting my mom through a lot of the crap I have in the past. I just hope that Ryu is a much better person than I ever was as a child. I hope that he has good people in his life that won't hurt him or pressure him to do anything he doesn't want to.

It's funny how life works out some times. I would have never thought that I'd be in my mid 20s with a child talking about being this good role model or being the better person. Change can be good in y case change was really good and I can't imagine my life today without the only person I truly live and love for.